Partner

I am going to do something I never do, and before you get too sarcastic and say "Write a post?!" I am doing that as well. But I am going to write about something that I usually try to not do, which is, of course, be all emotional and lovey-dovey cutesy.

It's not really my thing. I am not usually very sentimental. Especially outwardly to others.

Today I am going to talk about my spouse.
He deserves his own post.
Actually, I could start a whole blog about him, though I might be the only avid reader. No, I think there is a solid Zach following that would tune in. I won't do that, however, so no need to get too excited.

But I will tell you this:

Once upon a time, I married a boy. A boy because we were basically both babies. I was 19 and he was 20 when we got married. We have spent most of our young lives figuring out life together. While all of our peers that married at the same time as we did were getting divorced, we just kept our heads down and figured it out. Was it always fun and easy? No. It's life. But Zach has a very simple outlook on life, and he is the most grace-oriented person I have ever met.

So basically my opposite in most ways.

Fast forward 3 years, and we have Bishop, and then 2 1/2 years later, we have Cadence. In those first 5 years, we lost 4 babies, one at 20 weeks, the others before 12 weeks. Now, I'm not saying you can't survive this, as we did, but there were a lot of years that it was not always certain.

The next 5 years were spent cleaning up the fallout, and then figuring out what life looks like for our family of 4.

And before you are all thinking the first 10 years of our marriage were terrible, they weren't. They were hard, there was lots of devastation, but there was also joy. And in everything in our life, we have done it together. We have finished degrees, we have two amazing children who complete our family in ways we could never have imagined, and we are strong as a unit.

My husband is the rock in our family. I think the best word to describe him is steadfast. He is consistent in everything.

He is also hilarious. He is really quiet, so unless you know him, you have no idea that he has the driest sarcasm that you just missed. And that is his genius. I am loudly sarcastic and funny, he is so quiet about it that when you do realize his humor, it's the best thing ever.

If I thought I loved him when we got married, that was a shadow of what I feel for him now, almost 12 years later. He is better than I could have imagined as a dad. He creates these magical moments for our kids that I am constantly shocked at. Which was the catalyst of this post.

This morning, we got up, the kiddos had breakfast, and he started working outside (we are still moving and getting things settled). Well, I sent the kiddos upstairs to get dressed, and when they come down, they were looking for him. He told them last weekend that they could play micro-machines this weekend if they kept their rooms clean. They have been looking forward to it all week. Bishop stayed up late perfecting his room last night.

So they come downstairs, and Zach had gone back outside. Out of no where, something starts ringing, like a phone, but it isn't my cell phone. We start searching for the ringing, to find in the kitchen (each of us have our own drawers to keep things important in) in their drawers, they each have a walkie-talkie that's on and ringing. Bishop, of course, immediately knows what it is, and grabs it, and Zach (who must be watching from somewhere), says "Commander Bishop, are you there?"

This is literally like a dream come true for my son. You can see it on his face. He grabs the walkie-talkie, and runs over to the door, and in his haste, puts his shoes on the wrong feet. Meanwhile, it is finally occurring to Cadence what is happening, so she runs and grabs her boots. Bishop is already out the door and running, radioing in, asking where he needs to go.

Zach comes in another door, and gets out his trunk of micro-machines. The kiddos eventually come in when radioed, and have been happily playing for about an hour with their dad.

If I never loved him before, watching him parent would make me love him better than I could have ever planned.

I don't think words could ever describe how proud I am of him as a person. From the boy that no one really understood, to the high-achieving man he is now, the father, and to me, the best partner I wasn't smart enough to even ask for.

We are quickly closing in on 12 years married. He is my husband, but more than that, he is my absolute best friend and life partner.

Breathe

You know what one of my very least favorite things is? Being busy. And I don't mean that in the way you probably think I do. I just seriously dislike when the word busy comes out of my mouth as an excuse. Or as a statement about my life. When people ask how everything is going, it is often so easy to just say, "Busy!" It's a badge of honor in our society that shows how important we are. I have so many things happening in my life, I'm so busy!

I hate that.

And I hate using the word hate, but that's a whole other thing, and I could easily get sidetracked here.

Back to being busy. Am I 'busy'? I suppose that could be a way to term it. I think saying that I am busy takes some of the responsibility off me, though. And that's really not fair, because I'm an adult. And I chose what's in my life and in my day. There are many things happening in my life right now, and I often feel like I am either a long distance swimmer who is keeping afloat, or a person spinning plates, keeping them all spinning at the same time. So I either have lots of plates, or many miles in my life. Either way, it boils down to a lot happening. The truth of the matter is that all the things, all the plates I keep spinning, all the miles, all the things are ones I have chosen.

I mean, some of them are permanent and some of them are just for the season.
I'm a wife. A mom. A full-time student. A soon to be employee (that's new!). A home builder. A home seller. A cook. A housekeeper (that could use some work). A Sunday school teacher. A Wednesday night teacher. A tutor. A friend. A sister. A daughter. A driver. Somewhere in there, a person who once had hobbies and things she liked doing.

The list goes on and on. And it boils back to my life being full of things and people. All the things and all the people that I chose to be there.

So I feel like if I complain that I am 'busy', it's something that I could change if I really wanted, which means I shouldn't complain.

This is a very round about way of saying that while I am often flooded with things to do, and feel like I spend many days chasing plates, or barely keeping nose my above water, all the things are good things! And I don't want to just tell people that I am busy.

But most days, I am barely afloat, with just my nose sticking out of the water, and I want to scream, "SAVE ME!" or I want to just stop spinning the plates and watch them all crash to the floor. I have more of these types of days than the ones where I successfully do All. The. Things.

I told someone last night that if I just had an extra 12 hours every day, uninterrupted, with no children or a spouse, I could really get my life under control.

So no sleep it is.

Just kidding. Sort of.

While I was running errands for my husband today (because that's always more important than the things I planned to do (read: Sarcasm font), this song came on the radio. And because I was alone in the car, I could actually hear it, and really listen to the words. And you know? I cried. And not like, single, graceful tear track down one cheek. Like ugly, red-nosed, pull over cried. Because this song was my day right then. Literally. my. day.

What incredible timing. So to all my over-worked, stressed, depressed, barely keeping their nose above water, chasing plates, and children, and spouses, and jobs, and life- friends out there.

Just. Breathe.

Looking up

This post has been rolling around in my mind for a while, maybe a month or so. Actually writing it out is a little strange, much like letting go of an era, or the changing of a season. So I am just going to rip the bandage off and say it- my kids have gotten older.

Now, obviously, this isn't a surprise to anyone. Time passes and people age. But last month, after a crazy semester of non stop classes that followed a summer of a full-time schedule of class, and a family vacation that was packed with...vacationing, I really had time to look up. And what I mean is more than physically looking up, since I don't constantly run into things, it is safe to say that I am always looking up, but I really took note of where my kids are in life currently. And it made me a little sad. Because I don't have little babies any more. Or even toddlers. Actually, I don't even have one toddler. I have a solid 5 year old and a 7, almost 8 year old. It was like coming out of the woods and into a clearing.

Both of my children pretty basically self regulate at this point. I can have solid, life conversations with them. I realize they are by NO means all grown up. I think the big change is that I seem to be surrounded by people with smaller children who are still in the thick of the proverbial woods, and working through solid behavior issues and generally baby/toddler things. And I am just not there any more.

And it is so freeing! I can take my kids anywhere, and they are legit nice to hang out with. They don't get crazy. We don't take naps (actually, that is something I miss). On the weekends, when I need to run errands, I really want one or both to come along with me so I can hang out with them, because they are fun to talk to individually or together. They have ideas and think about things in ways that I love to hear about. We are no longer in the intense baby/toddler phase. I spent so many years training behaviors and I am really reaping the benefits. They still have things that we are working on, of course, I don't think that ever goes away.

They sleep well, they feed themselves, dress themselves, brush their own teeth. Bishop showers on his own, Cadence only needs help with washing her hair. All these things that keep adding up to a different time. I think that's really what hit me. We are in a different time with our kids. Bishop is reading and Cadence is learning how. They do things on their own that they enjoy without any input from me. I love watching them grow up and find new things and create and imagine, and it is still a little surreal at this point. There are days that I am home alone while they are both at school. It is a new time.

So, for all my friends who are still in the trenches of baby/toddlerhood and feel like there is no end- here we are. All too quickly the days that seem endless pass, and here I find myself with 2 children capable of so many things that I felt would never happen. The weeks of potty training, the years of not sleeping, the many, MANY diapers, and feeding, and washing, and crying babies, and here I am.

It's a new era in our family. A new time. I love where we are, and work daily to enjoy and cherish this time that passes so quickly. Do the same. Where ever you are, whatever stage your child is in, it passes so quickly. So chose to enjoy it. One day you will look up, and they will have changed, and you don't want to miss that.